My eating disorder was a blessing.
Yes, you read that right.
The experience of Bulimia, combined with some anorexia, has made me a leader now. A voice for women with eating disorders.
My voice to help you let go of shame and guilt.
I think a lot of women are suffering from this in silence. Eating disorders can be difficult to describe.
How do even qualify this sickness? Does it even matter?
I ate my feelings away.
I ate my childhood abandonment away. I ate my boredom away.
I ate my anxiety away.
In short, I numbed myself, escaped from reality for a moment. Same as others trying to avoid their feelings,
My story started when I was about 7. I discovered that food made me feel soooo good. Warm and fuzzy.
I started to go to the local bakery, and stock up on candy.
In middle school, it became bags of chips.
My body started changing. I gained some weight.
Nothing extreme, because in the Netherlands we bike to school, so I was active. About 35 km every single day.
Devouring candy and chips on the bike ride home became a daily ritual.
I had older siblings always talking about the next new diet, and how we were destined to have a big butt and hips.
That became a limiting belief.
At 16, those hips came.
My first diet.
Eating 800 calories per day. That worked.
For a short period of time.
The bags of chips came back. The weight came back.
I didn’t like it.
At 18, some life experiences happened that I can now link to a change in behaviour, Bulimia.
I discovered that I could devour tons of candy, sweets, and chips and purge. A method that kept my hips in balance. (sort of)
I continued to have these bulimic episodes throughout my life, during stressful situations. At 37 this all changed.
When I was 37 my dad, in the Netherlands, had passed away.
That had a huge impact on my willingness to heal from this eating disorder. I was done with it.
Easier said than done.
I hired help, and actually worked with several therapists and programs. Yes, asking for help is a sign of strength.
You can’t do this on your own.
One of the things that struck me most was how much childhood trauma I had, and how codependent I was on things, and people.
I discovered so many things about myself, it was refreshing.
I did really deep trauma healing, and awakened.
I literally saw the light.
I felt enlightenment, as strange as that may sound.
I know now that it’s not at all about the food. It’s not at all about the body.
I hated myself so much.
I felt so much shame, and guilt.
I felt a total failure.
Self love is the best diet.
That’s my conclusion at 48 years young.
It’s ok to intuitively eat.
It’s ok if you need some structure.
It’s ok if you need some freedom.
It’s all ok in an environment filled with love.
Extreme clean dieting doesn’t work for me.
I need to have my Cadbury eggs, a donut, and some ice cream once in a while. And this works when I fuel my body with healthy quality foods.
Extreme exercising doesn’t work for me.
Where I previously exercised 7 times a week, 2 times a day. I now lift weights 4x week.
I found balance. Balance with food. Balance in my life.
And now my voice is heard by others who are struggling.
I am hoping to be an inspiration.
Maybe I can inspire you, to seek help and heal.
And understand that life is never perfect. You will never be perfect. Your body will never be perfect.
Life is an ongoing journey of more healing, and more experiences.
The grass is not greener on the other side. You have nothing to be fixed.
And I deeply and completely love and accept myself....
@trujetty on instagram