Self love has been promoted like crazy over the past few years but diet culture and the media have made loving ourselves difficult.
At 14 I would jump at every opportunity to get food. Chinese? Yes please, pizza, kebab, curry? Keep it coming my way. I LOVED food and loved eating it, i wouldnt bat an eye if I ate 'junk' consecutively day after day. I continued like this until my last year of highschool, when I hit 16 things started changing, people almost expected more. My 'puppy fat' was no longer validated and I was expected to be more of a woman whatever that is supposed to mean.
I understand by no means was I in a healthy weight range, at 4ft 11 I shouldn't have weighed near enough 63kg but it only began to bother me when I couldn't fit in jeans in retail stores, I even went to try mens sizes which only resulted in a breakdown in the changing rooms. It began to bother me when I saw women with pinched waistlines and flat stomachs flaunted on every social media platform I had so I joined the gym and went every single day. I cut the labelled junk food out, no more takeaways for me. Slowly the weight began to drop off bit by bit and I remember the feeling of joy seeing the number on the scale become smaller. I would say I then got greedy, not with food but with seeing results. I began tracking my calories, refusing to eat food that someone else would make, I wouldnt eat food if I hadnt made it in fear it would throw my progress off. Any cheat days I had allowed myself every two weeks were now none existent. Week by week the number on my calorie counter got smaller and smaller until eventually it hit 1000 a day. As a result of such restriction I ended up at 39kg. I was a different person visually and personally. I was snapping at family, friends and my boyfriend, I had no concentration span and would lose my train of thought often, I had little to no energy which prevented me from going out, essentially this isolation only made my mental state worse. I wasnt going to the gym so I felt like I needed to compensate by eating less.
The result? I had brittle hair and nails, I could feel my heart palpitations, I was weak, irritable and overall not present in everyday life, cuts and bruises were taking upwards of 3 weeks to heal and left scars behind I was destroying myself.
It was when I realised my injuries and my hair falling out that I wasnt okay, I did research into it all and found that my body was prioritising survival functions over maintaining my health.
I got my diagnosis and it hit me like a brick wall, I told my boyfriend and my best friend and they now help keep me accountable every single day. I'm now nearing my 18th birthday and my goal for then when I go on holiday isnt to mimic those models, I want to be healthy, I want to nourish my body well so that it can give me the energy to do things with my day! And that's where I am now, i have gained two kg and have found my healthy weight range and am now maintaining, yes I still have arguments in my head whether I should have more to eat I'm not 100% okay but I'm well on my way.
While self love is all well and good I think self acceptance and awareness is more important. Accept the body you have been blessed with and nourish it with delicious foods every day and in return it will give you the energy and the motivation to live your days to 100% being aware of yourself is key also! Be aware of things you like and dislike dont pressure yourself into the things you hate because of others, it makes you you and it makes you amazing. If you love yourself great! You should. but self love is a long and arduous journey in this society, self acceptance and certainty is making the most of what we have and is another step in the right direction to destroying such idealistic stereotypes we see everywhere.