Without a doubt, one of the questions I get asked most frequently by others in the middle of an eating disorder is whether I would consider myself “fully recovered” or still in the process of recovery.
When all you can think about is food - when you’re going to have it next, how much you’ve had so far, if what you’ve eaten that day is ‘too much’ - when thoughts about weight, comparison, and self-worth consume everything you think, feel, or worry about, it can almost seem impossible to picture what life would actually be like without any of this.
I used to answer this question pretty quickly, recognizing (gratefully) that I don’t struggle with food anymore. I can go through my day without thinking, worrying or focusing on food (and still enjoy it when I have it), which usually led me to answer the question with a firm ‘Yes, I am fully recovered’.. To be completely honest, this answer usually lead to some internal friction - something didn’t quite feel right about answering the question in that way.
As I move further and further away from food obsession and Anorexia, I feel like the answer to the question ‘Am I fully recovered?’ is more complicated than I originally thought. Questions like, “What is real recovery?” or, “How deep does an eating disorder go?” start to pop up. The walls of mental health, eating disorders, and my own personality start to blend together. Where do the walls of an eating disorder stop, and where do they start?
Being outside of obsessive thoughts over food, weight and body image has given me the opportunity to begin the journey of self-discovery outside of food and everything my eating disorder hid for a period of time. In this time of self-reflection and discovery, I’ve come to feel as though ‘full recovery’ isn’t necessarily a destination.. It’s a process. A journey.
This thought changed a lot for me. To consider myself ‘fully recovered’ had unknowingly put a lot of pressure on myself to never do anything that would take that ‘fully recovered’ status away. It gave no room for failure, in other words. To be “fully and completely recovered from all aspects of an eating disorder” meant I should be void of any thoughts or actions I associated with it not being fully recovered (at least that’s what I would tell myself).
When I began switching my recovery mentality to one of an ongoing process of embracing my imperfections, all of that pressure went away. I see the ongoing process of fighting through my lows and highs, all while accepting who I am through those periods of time, as ‘full recovery’. I don’t struggle with food obsession or weight obsession, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with other things still.
As I step further and further away from obsessing over food, I see how much more there is to life than worrying so deeply about all of my imperfections. I see the fights I've won, and I feel so good about them. I see the fights that have yet to come, and I accept them. Those fights are inevitable, because we’re human. Because we aren’t perfect, and that’s OK.
To me, recovery is made of those victories - both big and small. My perception of recovery continues to change as I move further away from Anorexia and figure out what life looks like without that weight pulling me back. When I'm up, I’m running as fast and as hard as I can towards my best self. When I inevitably fall down I pick myself back up, fully embracing that fall as the journey of recovery.
What I'm trying to say is, I’m not perfect. And that’s OK. To be completely, fully recovered from life and all its troubles - all negative thoughts, actions, and circumstances - I guess that’s the process rather than the destination. It’s that process though, all of those fights and those battles, that will allow you to go through your day without thinking about food. It’s those battles that will empower you to step into another phase of life, whether it’s stepping into life without worrying about food, weight, or anything else free from the chains of doubt and fear.
Full recovery isn’t about perfection of the pursuit of perfection. It’s about the process of learning to accept ourselves and learning to accept others, pitfalls and all.
Am I fully recovered? In one way yes, I am.. And in another, I’m not. And that’s OK.
Now the second most frequently asked question usually ends up being, “How long did it take you?” Those two big questions back to back - “Is recovery actually possible? How long did it take you?” - they’re questions that call for a short answer but require a really long explanation (Don’t worry, I won’t be writing a novel hah).
I think I probably would have ended up asking the same thing had the resources and connections that social media provides been active when I'd been going through Anorexia. I would have wanted to know: ‘Are things going to change, or should I be gearing up to spend my whole life worrying about the carb, protein and fat makeup of every sandwich I eat from Chick-fil-a?’
Looking back, it was almost impossible for me to recognize what was wrong. How could I if I was certain I was right? That what I was doing was what I actually wanted to do and was best for me? I couldn’t see the truth at first, or at least for a long time. All I knew was that I wasn’t happy, but that I wanted to be.. I just didn’t know how.
One of the biggest things that showed me how? Surrounding myself with the right people. I couldn’t see the problem, but having others who could see what was wrong and who were willing to invest the time kickstarted my journey to full recovery. Initially, those people - my recovery team - ended up being my parents, my nutritionist, and my ED-specialized therapist.
Through the years, as I relapsed and recovered again in college, I ended up moving through different therapists. Still, through my seven years of dedicated recovery, having all three groups of people active in my life changed everything. My parents provided moral support and accountability, sticking with me through it all and picking me up when I needed it most. My nutritionist helped develop a meal plan for effective recovery, making sure I was eating what I needed to eat and developing a healthy relationship with food. My therapist helped me unpack all of pain, feelings and thoughts that lead to the eating disorder in the first place.
The first thing I recommend to every single person who asks what they should do to kickstart recovery is to be intentional with the people you’re surrounded by. This is, without a doubt, one of the most important things that lead to my recovery. I couldn’t have done it without professional help, but more than that I couldn’t have done it without people I clicked with. Find a therapist, get in touch with a nutritionist, but more than this find support you click with.
Seeing everything on the outside now, I’m realizing how much I wanted the process of recovery to be easy. The thought was that if I were to eventually recover, it shouldn’t be painful.
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