Dear ED, my best friend and worst nightmare,
Thanks for all of your “help,” but I’m done listening to your lies. You promised me happiness based on arbitrary numbers, but once I reached them and felt nothing more than emptiness, you pushed me further and entranced me with more false promises. “This time it’ll be different,” you’d tell me. But it never was. The happiness you promised me was never attainable. The truth is, you wanted me dead. I have no doubt in my mind you would push me until I permanently collapsed. You took my life from me. You took away my enjoyment of hobbies. You made me isolate myself from my friends and family. You held me back from so many opportunities and experiences, and tainted so many memories that were meant to be precious. You made me into a hollow shell of who I once was. I’ve wasted so much time on you that I can’t get back, but I know one thing: I’m done wasting any more time with you.
Our relationship is going to be different from now on. Now, my goal is to drive YOU crazy instead. I’m going to properly nourish my body until I reach MY healthy set point, not some arbitrary, dangerously low one you decided for me. I’m going to nurture my relationships with my family and friends, and reconnect with my hobbies. I’m going to compliment myself and find all of the positive qualities I know lie within me – discarding all of the cruel lies you made me believe about myself. I’m going to feel all of the emotions you numbed me from for so long – both good and bad – and gladly accept them, and let them flood over me. I’m going to accept myself as I am, which I know will REALLY piss you off. I can’t wait. I’m reclaiming my life from your grasp. No matter how loudly you scream or try to tempt me back into your “comforts” – I’m stronger than you, and I’m going to come out on top.
From YOUR new worst nightmare,
Lanie
@phasesoflanie on instagram