I’m not gonna lie. Gaining weight in recovery hurts a lot. Sometimes I’m scared to look in the mirror, and I have to restrain myself from body checking and weighing myself.
I don’t weigh myself. I haven’t in many months, but if you have an eating disorder you know as well as I do that I can tell if I’ve gained weight anyway. How could I not? I’m obsessed.
But I’m not here to tell you how miserable my own body makes me feel. How I could cry for hours because of the way my thighs look in shorts. How bloated I’ve been for the past couple of weeks. How I avoid wearing tight fitting clothes because I’m ashamed.
I’m here to remind you that despite all of this, underneath it all, recovery is a change in your mind, not your body.
It feels so liberating to not constantly only be thinking about bingeing and puking. It feels like I’ve finally gotten my life back. Lately I’ve been trying to eat intuitively, something I never thought I would trust myself enough to do.
No matter what happens to my weight, even if I permanently gain weight, it doesn’t matter. I won’t trade my sanity for a skinny body ever again. I won’t ever go down that path, because it just lead me feeling stuck inside a prison known as bulimia.
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