This September, I moved away from everything I was familiar with, and started university. This time last year, I didn’t even know what my future would hold. I had just been discharged from hospital, and was on a high of finally being “free”. Yes, I was back in the community, but my life was still surrounded by restrictions, whether it be external (rules set by my treatment team) or internal (irrational anorexic rules my brain still held on to). It’s taken a lot of time, work and mental torment, but it’s been worth it.
In the last year, I’ve gone through periods of ups and downs, but I’m so so glad to say that I am on the best ‘up’ I’ve been in for a long time, and couldn’t possibly imagine being anywhere else.
During the process of applying, getting ready to leave and being away has made me realise a few things:
1) How much my eating disorder affected my family
Looking back on photos from me as I was getting more and more ill, I wonder how it all happened so quickly. If I saw someone looking the way i did, not just physically, but also the lifeless smile and the dead look behind my eyes, I would feel so worried, and want to do everything I possibly could to help them. And that’s just me. I don’t think until I have a child of my own, I will ever understand how worried my parents were. My mum’s biggest concern about me going away to uni was how I would cope, and the chances of me falling into a relapse. While I did see where she was coming from, a part of me also knew that leaving home might be the best thing I could do for my mental health.
2) How lucky I am to have this opportunity
When I was applying, I was reminded time and time again by my mum how lucky I was, that not everyone got the chance to leave something behind, or pursue their dreams. To be honest with you, I never expected this. If you had asked me half a year ago what I thought I’d be doing today, I would not have said being at university. I have a chance to start afresh (to a certain extent), and make friends without worrying about people knowing what I’ve been through, or just be known as the anorexic girl. My parents and doctors trust me enough to let me move across the world, hold myself accountable and not fall back into the grips of my eating disorder, and I’m determined to prove that I can do this.
3) How sucky eating disorders are
Having an eating disorder made my life miserable. I pushed away friends, family, and forgot about my passions. Instead of spending time with people I care about, I spent my time hiding in my room, lying, and doing everything I could to “burn” off the calories I hadn’t even consumed. For a long time, I thought I was being healthy. But I was so so sick. I missed out on so much, just because my brain was obsessed with becoming someone I thought that people would like the look of. Instead of making memories that I can look back on and smile about, all I remember is a blur. And I don’t want that to happen again. I want to be able to remember the next possibly the best years of my life when I’m grown up, and laugh about the memories I’m going to make with my friends, the amount of stress I feel about uni work, and all the joys of being a student.
These are just some things I come to mind, and trust me when I say there are many more things I’ve realised, but that would take a whole book to finish writing it all down.
Right now, I’m sitting in my room, having spent the day doing “normal” teenage stuff, like going to Costa and actually having a drink I enjoy, having a meal deal because YUM, walking around charity shops and getting great bargains on jumpers. But I’ve also done adult-y things, like do a weekly shop, done my laundry, tidied my room. My life no longer revolves around micromanaging every morsel of food I put into my mouth, or how much I’ve moved today. And it’s such a relief. Sure, there are days when I struggle with thoughts, and the thoughts of relapse surface, and as hard as it can be, I remind myself of how far I’ve come, and how much further I have yet to go. I know that I’m still not as carefree and intuitive around food and movement as I used to be, or I “should” be, but I’m working on it.
I still don’t know if full recovery is a thing, but I believe that everyone, given the chance and support, can get to a place where anorexia is just a distant voice.
To whoever is reading this, I believe in you, and you should believe in yourself too. You may or may not be struggling, but if you are, there are better times ahead, that I can promise. Don’t let a bad day dictate the rest of your recovery, because tomorrow is a new day. Heck, the next minute is a new minute. So keep plodding, because small steps add up to a big leap.
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