@goth.17

i can’t say when my eating disorder started or developed, it feels like something i’ve had all my life. for as long as i can remember i’ve been a really restrictive and picky eater. by the time i was 12 i had discovered purging, which became something i engaged in regularly. at points i’d do it until blood came up because i had torn my esophagus. i just wanted to be skinny. i just wanted to see my bones. i wanted the praise and complements that came along with it all. over the years i managed to maintain a low weight, but nothing too extreme, that changed however when i was 19. firstly i was with an abusive partner who would call me fat and control what i ate and when i ate it. this of course ended up just feeding in to my already bad body image. i had also recently gotten sober around that time and needed a new way to numb my emotions, and my eating disorder was it. i started restricting more and more and my weight dropped drastically and quickly. no matter how low it got it was never enough. i also held onto this belief that my eating disorder would never land me in hospital or unable to follow through with normal daily tasks, but i was wrong. my hair started falling out and day by day i got weaker and weaker. in january 2019 i ended up being admitted to hospital for my eating disorder. i was tube fed for most of my stay and once i was medically stable i was discharged and a referral was sent to another program to hopefully help me with what felt like a helpless situation. this referral to this program resulted in me moving cities to receive the help i so desperately needed. the time between these hospital admissions however was spent engaging in eating disorder behaviours. two months after my initial discharge i was admitted into the hospital on a specialized eating disorder unit. i had lost so much of my life because of my eating disorder and i was ready for change. i’ve now been in hospital 5 months and am finally weight restored, and hopefully in two weeks time will be feeding tube free. being weight restored is definitely hard and it’s hard to see my body and like it; but hopefully one day i’ll get there. i think about returning to old behaviours or leaving treatment quite often, but i know i wouldn’t have a life to live if that’s what i chose to do. i’m sick of being seen as simply an object or just a body - which has been the main driving force behind my recovery. i may not always believe it but i deserve to live an eating disorder free life, and so do you. if you yourself are struggling please seek help, it’s not easy but you deserve to be happy and healthy.

@goth.17 on instagram