We all have stories in our life that are painful but I think those are the ones worth sharing in hopes that others can learn and grow from it. I’ve struggled with body image for as long as i can remember and been engulfed in diet culture. I was 13 when I found out I had an eating disorder and was going through a lot of life changes at the time. Though I did get help from a therapist I would certainly say that wasn’t enough. I struggled a little on and off in the years that followed but was sure it wasn’t going to consume my life again and felt like I had enough mental health issues to worry about. At age 19 I found myself struggling with food again and became increasingly fixated on my size and desire to be as thin as possible. For months this continued without help, therapy or really support but it was never something I felt comfortable talking about. My health was declining and everything was exhausting. Eventually I opened up to some of the people in my life and even though they didn’t know the severity they believed that I needed help. I was scared, hopeless and just not convinced that anything would help. Since starting treatment I’ve increased the level of care I was receiving multiple times but do not regret it at all. Through treatment and supportive environments of people going through similar things as me my mind has shifted towards optimism. I’ve realized anorexia is not me, and that the toxic voice in my mind telling me to damage my body for “perfection” is not me. Separating my illness from myself has been very helpful in my recovery process because I am not my illness. I am much more than that. I have goals, dreams, desires that I can and want to obtain without the burden of an eating disorder. Everyday is a challenge because I have to continue to disregard the toxic messages society puts out, as well as loved ones and the triggering thoughts in my head. Months ago I would not have believed recovery was possible and though I am not recovered so to speak I’m able to see my wise mind more clearly and do my best to do good things for my body. I encourage any struggling to get help even if it’s for the sole factor of knowing you’re not alone and there is no “sick enough” to get help because if you’re struggling you’re struggling! There are so many insightful people who have had their life stolen by an eating disorder but have been able to get it back through hard work and finding self love (which is hard) but not impossible! Recovery isn’t linear and it takes time...a lot of time, but the hard work will pay off. It’s a journey to being at peace with yourself which you will benefit from forever. Tori Carroll
@healingtori on instagram