I think people who suffer from an eating disorder can relate to the experience of hearing “voices” that tell us when and what to eat or to not eat, that tells us we are unworthy or useless and in general, makes us feel bad. Well, I personally experiences a strong dissociation when I first suffered from anorexia and now in my relapse, as if I have two distinct people in my head: one is my current self, who is aware of the danger of anorexia and want to stay healthy and balanced, and then there is another self or “the anorexia voice” who is very mean and drives me back to disordered behaviors.
I read many posts talking about “fighting the voice,” not listening to it, or just being angry at it and wanting to destroy and make it disappear. Well, I want to take a different perspective: we cannot get rid of that voice if we fight it because it’s part of us, and we will be at war within ourselves. What we need to do is to accept that voice, listen to it in the sense of trying to understand what it wants and then be accepting, compassionate, and patient with it.
That voice is often a dissociated part of the self, may be coming from your childhood or teenage years: you dissociated because you suffered a trauma or had to face difficult situations, and that part is scared, angry, or confused and finds comfort in acting on ED behaviors.
So I try to listen to that voice, understand why she has anxiety in eating, why she is afraid of losing control, why she tries to hold me back. I believe eating disorders are a survival mechanism, and this part works to keep me safe, but I try to convince her we are safe now, we can face life, I am an adult now, and I can take care of my wounded part(s) without the need of an eating disorder.
I firmly believe that only when we take the time and courage to integrate that part in healthy ways we will be free from our eating disorder.
And I also believe the path is long and complicated, but every one of us can start taking the first baby steps towards recovery.
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