Eating disorders affect millions of people around the world, not just young girls, yet they are so personal and detrimental to our health. An eating disorder doesn’t have a ‘quick fix’ or any medicine to heal the pain. You can’t just ‘eat a burger’ and magically become a healthy weight & lose the disordered mindset. For me, being only 14, having an eating disorder has been one of the most challenging things to ever happen to me. But choosing recovery, and to seek help and advice, has helped me beyond measure. Recovery is hard. It’s hard for everyone in different ways. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts about food & exercise, even though I don’t physically relapse and start restricting. It can be way worse for other people, but everyone goes through their own challenges and faces recovery one way or another. Everyone’s eating disorder is different. For me, it started in January 2019. I called it my “health-fitness journey” and its purpose was for me to lose weight, or as I’d say, ‘be skinny’. Before that point, I never ate healthily; my diet consisted of fast food, Starbucks, and pints of ice cream every day after school. Of course, this diet made me gain some weight, but I was always in a healthy weight and nobody would look at me and think I was ‘fat’. My thoughts of my own body image were distorted by social media, and the influencers I watched who seemed “perfect” and could eat Taco Bell and sweets every day, yet still be stick thin. That sometimes is still a trigger for me, seeing people on the slimmer side eating whatever they want, not working out or playing a sport, yet not gaining any weight. But I’m learning not to compare myself to others, because everyone has different genetics, and you never know what someone is going through behind the scenes. Now, I didn’t start counting calories until I randomly decided to download a calorie tracking app, and I put everything I had eaten so far that day and it was a lot over 2000 calories. I think that this is when the disorder really set in. So from about late January to July, I was restricting my calories, but there were times when I’d let myself go and have a couple of my favorite foods. I never binged and purged, nor did I ever skip meals, but I wasn’t eating a lot of food. The summer of 2019, from July to August, was when my eating disorder hit its worst point. I had nothing to do, so I went to the gym six days a week, along with swim practice on four of those days. I kept eating less and less, and I started constantly being cold, tired, and lacking energy. The only thing on my mind was exercise and food, and I could say that those two things were my entire summer. I lost a dramatic amount of weight, and my life was controlled by my eating disorder. In August, I had a yearly physical with my pediatrician. Somehow on that day, I weighed less than I had ever before, I’m not even sure why because I weighed myself at the gym that morning and I was 3 pounds heavier than at that checkup. The topic of food and nutrition arose, and as I spoke about my eating habits and my amount of knowledge on the subject of health, the doctor became more and more worried about my health. I was obviously not eating enough for my outrageous activity level and age. We checked my blood pressure, and I was right on the verge of the number you would need in order to be hospitalized and hooked to an IV. The doctor told us that we needed to come back in a month for a follow-up appointment, and see the hospital’s nutritionist. This visit was when my recovery began. I deleted my calorie tracking app and started to eat more, little by little: adding nut butter & fruit to my oatmeal, eating lots and lots of snacks, and eating until I felt satisfied. Recovery is freedom for me, and I’ve been so much happier because of it. I’ve also had an enormous boost of energy, and I’ve my performance in both my sport and the gym has dramatically improved. I am so glad that I chose recovery, I could never imagine living the rest of my life sad, depleted of life, and restrictive about food & exercise. My message to all the women in the world: you are strong. If you are fighting an eating disorder, you are strong. If you are recovering/recovered from an eating disorder, you are strong. If you’ve never experienced an eating disorder, you are strong. No matter what you are going through, you are strong, you are amazing, and I believe in you. I hope that my message may have helped you in any shape or form, and if you ever want somebody for advice, to ask questions, or just to talk to, please just message me!
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