@recoveringwithceliac

According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders “at least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.” and I am one of them.

Think about it. This is a terrifying statistic. In 2018 there were roughly 327.2 million people in the U.S.

30 MILLION (30,000,000) of those people suffer from an eating disorder. That is way too many zeros!

I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa in March 2019. I had been silently suffering for months but I wasn’t ready for recovery. To be honest, I didn’t want it. I felt like I didn’t like I deserved it.

But let me tell you… I deserve recovery just like you do. Everyone deserves recovery!

My mom found me a dietitian and therapist and I slowly got on board with this idea of recovery. I was beginning to recognize that maybe this is a problem. Maybe I am sick. Maybe something isn’t right. I began to recognize what I did want in my relationship with food and it wasn’t what I had.

That April I went to Camelback resort in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania with some friends. I was terrified of the foods that I would have to face. I had no idea what I was going to be eating, when I was going to be eating, or where I was going to be eating.

I was going to push that aside.

Or at least I was going to try. I was going to try and focus on just having fun with my friends.

Friday evening we were running around the indoor water park like we were little kids again.

I vividly remember climbing the stairs up to the Storm Chaser. Since there were 5 of us and we had to go in pairs, I volunteered to stay back and go on the ride alone.

The slide attendant had the first pair step on the scale. They have to weigh you to make sure it is safe for you to go on the ride. (While I understand the safety precautions of this, I think it is ridiculous. You are going to check someone’s weight in front of them, at EVERY ride, to see if they are eligible.)

Anyway, rant over…

All of my friends had gone down the slide. I was next.

I put my tube in the “mounting position” at the top of the slide and proceeded to step on the scale.

A red light appeared.

“Ummm, step off for me.” The attendant looked at me confused.

I stepped off and then on again.

The same number reappeared on the scale. And so did the red light. The attendant still looked confused.

“I’m sorry but you don’t weigh enough. It is not safe for you to go on this ride.” He looked at me still confused but I could see the pity in his eyes.

“Okay.” I was so embarrassed but I brushed it off my shoulders as if nothing was wrong. I quickly spun around and walked down the stairs as quickly as I could. I looked down at my friends waiting for me. They all looked confused. None of them knew what was going on.

One friend bounded up the stairs toward me.

“I guess I don’t weigh enough.” I tried to play it off as if I was oblivious. Thankfully my friend played along.

She immediately said, “I’ll go with you!” I was so so grateful.

That moment changed my life. It may seem like a small moment but it made me realize that something really isn’t right. I decided that was not how I wanted to live my life.

It hit me hard. I understood that this was a problem. I was sick. Something wasn’t right. I realized what I did want in my relationship with food and it wasn’t what I had.

I wanted more.

I wanted to enjoy food. I wanted to enjoy my friends. I did not want to have to constantly worry about everything. I wanted to have a family one day.

No one should have to live like this.

No one should have to suffer like so many of us do.

If you are suffering, I am so so sorry. You deserve more than this. Your body deserves more than this. You shouldn’t have to constantly worry.

Food is just food!

Yes, it is meant to keep us alive but it is also for enjoyment.

Eating more will not hurt you but you eating disorder will. If you choose not to fight, you are choosing your eating disorder.

I’m not saying this is your fault. It is absolutely not your fault!! Eating disorders are mental illnesses that do not discriminate and can affect anyone!

You can do this. I know it is hard, trust me. Full recovery is possible.

Keep fighting my loves. If you ever need anything or just want to talk, do NOT hesitate to reach out.

@recoveringwithceliac on instagram