Hi! My name is Paula and I’m 17 years old. I’ve been suffering from anorexia nervosa for almost a year.
It all started as a simple diet. I wanted to be “healthier” an a little “fitter”. My aim wasn’t losing weight. I never had problems with the way my body looked and I actually really liked my body. But soon, what started as an inoffensive diet turned into an obsession.
The more weight I lost, the less I ate. My life got quickly consumed by the disorder. I would count calories like a freak and log them on my calorie counter app to make sure I didn’t eat past a certain amount, which decreased by the day.
My interests and hobbies changed. All I wanted to do was watch “what I eat in a day” videos or “cheat days” on YouTube. I would spend several hours scrolling through Instagram looking at foods and recipes that were “off limits” and that I really wanted to eat but wouldn’t allow myself to do so. I thought it was willpower, I thought I was stronger than others because I could resist the temptation of eating all those “bad foods”. I was so wrong.
My personality changed as well. Before the ED, I was always the funny and cheerful one in the group. I was very energetic. However, when I developed anorexia, I became irritable, shy and lonely. I wasn’t in the mood for talking, laughing, going out or having fun at all. My main focus in life was food, restricting and losing more and more weight.
I had no energy, I was cold all the time (even during summer) and not to mention the feeling of fainting every time I stood up.
My life was a mess and I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, one day I decided I was fed up of living that way so I opened up to my mum and told her that I really needed help. That was the first time I started recovery and it was the best decision I could have taken.
I went through ups and downs, and some relapses too, but now I have absolutely committed to recover. I created my own Instagram recovery account to keep myself accountable and to be able to talk and help others going through the same process.
I recently decided to go ALL IN, which consists in eating whatever you want, whenever you want and the amount that you want. I committed to fully respond to my physical and mental hunger with no judgement. It hasn’t been easy and many times I find myself questioning whether I’m doing the right thing or not. However, the answer is always YES.
I’m nowhere near recovered yet, but so far recovery has brought so many things back that I thought were lost. I began to smile and laugh again without having to pretend everything’s all right. I have energy to walk, dance, play and much more. I’m not cold the whole time anymore. I can go out with friends or eat at a restaurant without giving it too much of a thought.
I still have my struggles of course, but I’m determined not to go back to the place I was some months ago. I can’t wait to be fully recovered and get my life back, which I should have never lost in the first place.
Eating disorders can sneak in anyone’s life no matter the context, age or whether you had the desire to lose weight or not. We are not responsible for having anorexia, but it is our responsibility to recover.
And let me tell you, RECOVERY IS SO WORTH IT! I encourage you to give it a try. After all, what can happen other than getting your life back?
@recoverwithpau on instagram