Two days ago, I reached the weight the charts tell me is “healthy.” However, I know for a fact this is not the healthy weight for my body.
Eating disorders are tricky. They can convince you that you do not deserve recovery if your weight is currently “healthy” according to a BMI chart. If it is your first time reaching this weight, they can convince you to relapse.
Giving up control over my body has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do in recovery. However, it is one of the most necessary parts of recovery. When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I was completely in denial about needing to gain weight. After I entered a quasi-recovery state, I realized weight gain was something that needed to happen, but I was not ready to accept it.
Committing to real recovery could not have been possible for me without committing to weight gain. I had to give away my appearance. I had to accept a new bigger, body. I had no other choice.
To reach my goal of full recovery, I must be aware of the facts. I am worthy of recovery regardless of what I weighed, weigh, or will weigh. Relapse will bring me infinitely more pain than happiness. Most importantly, “healthy” according to BMI does not necessarily mean healthy for my body.
Currently, I am not only committed to gaining to the minimum healthy weight, I am committed to gaining above and beyond. Wherever my body takes me, I will follow.
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