Have you ever asked yourself “do I even have an eating disorder? Was I ever actually sick?” I think that this is a really common thing during recovery for a couple of reasons. Firstly, if applicable, the weight gain. It’s so easy to let your disorder convince you that you aren’t sick anymore as soon as you’ve gained 0.1 lbs. Another thing is that even the act of eating itself gives you less anxiety as you progress further in your recovery, especially if you’re consistently challenging yourself with fear foods. And now food isn’t so scary anymore - that’s a scary fact! While it’s true that it can be harmful to dwell on the past and compare ourselves to how we were in the depths of our eating disorder, you can’t avoid the fact that for a time, you were really sick - and yeah, during that time you wouldn’t have been able to challenge that food, or your eating disorder would’ve at least put up quite a fight about it - and now here you are. Now you can challenge x, y, or z and move on with your day. That doesn’t mean that you’ve never been sick, and more importantly, it doesn’t mean that you are “recovered” now. If you only felt “valid” in your eating disorder when you were at the brink of death, then I’m sorry for the tough love but you need to wake up, because eating disorders affect people of ALL shapes and ALL sizes, with no one being more or less valid than another. I can personally say that some of the times when I’ve struggled the most was when I was weight restored, but I felt like I couldn’t voice it to anyone because I didn’t “look” the part of a girl with anorexia. But - what does that even mean? The people who actually DO look like the emaciated characters the world is exposed to in movies? Because (thankfully), that’s not reality. In fact, only a small percentage of people with eating disorders are underweight. It’s about your mental clarity, your social interactions, your relationship with food, you internal measures of health (cell integrity, bone density, labs, etc.), and how steady you feel in your recovery. Trust me, I know how easy it is to listen to the eating disorder voice, how invalidating and yet compelling it can be, and how little it takes to be convinced that you’re “fine.” But, it’s really quite simple. You aren’t fine. Whether you’ve been struggling for 10 days or 10 years, had 20 hospital admissions or none at all, are underweight, obese, or at your set point, you. are. valid. No matter what.
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