I decided after 7 long years living under Anorexia’s spell –
On Tuesday 7th March 2019 at 2:34pm my body decided enough was enough. I was tired. Weak, frail and numb.
I don’t remember much, I couldn’t even stand in the shower at this point.
I had hit an all time low. I knew things were serious this time.
On this specific day I was rushed into A&E and put on a drip being poked and prodded.
I was already days away from being sectioned into an inpatient ward in Glasgow 6 hours away from home.
I was always in denial - even after countless therapy, groups, inpatient stays, daily blood tests etc I still never felt ‘ill’ enough.
I lay on the hospital bed with machines around me and my parents preparing for a horrific outcome.
But this time… something clicked.
I was scared. Not scared of hospitals, blood or drips.
I was actually scared of dying.
For the first time I looked into mothers eyes and saw how truly terrified she was.
She told me ‘I don’t want to walk into your bedroom in the mornings, I am scared you won’t be breathing’.
This relapse had been going on for a long time, I was disappearing each day. House bound. No friends or social life.
I had no aspiration for life and no dreams for the future.
I didn’t have one.
- At least that’s what I thought.
It’s always a cliché thing to say.
‘Something clicked’.
But funnily enough, it did.
I started the refeeding process a couple of days after release with the help from professionals, my family and my amazing followers on Instagram.
I took probably the scariest approach of recovery by slowly increasing into ‘Minnie Maud’ and being completely housebound. I wasn’t physically stable enough to leave the house for a month or two.
This unfortunately lead me to develop Agoraphobia which is an anxiety disorder which one fears being in situations where escape might be difficult and resulted in me not being able to leave the house until I received some therapy and got more physically stable as I had the energy to go out.
Refeeding was the most difficult, exhausting experiences I have ever been through.
I had been through refeeding whilst inpatient but it was always done for me – this time, I was doing it on my own.
I had horrific night sweats, dizziness, sugar crashes, diarrhoea and bloating.
It washed me out for months, I was too scared to sleep alone so my parents took in turn to sleep next to me (pretty mortifying for a 20 year old girl) but it took me a while to fall asleep as I was scared I wouldn’t wake up again.
I remember turning to my father and saying ‘I am never, ever doing this to myself again’.
Forwarding on to today – Thursday 19th September I can’t believe how much my life has changed.
I actually ENJOY food. Crazy right!?
I have an incredible boyfriend who I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with – he plays a huge role in my recovery and reminds me every single day why I’m still fighting.
I have my own car and absolutely love driving!
My relationship with my parents is amazing, we have just come back from a 10 night holiday in Ibiza which was all inclusive!
I have my period back after 7 years!!
We enjoyed ice creams on the beach and I actually had the energy to swim!
I am getting back into work and discovering my passion for editing and design!
I have a whole new wardrobe (body changes - a difficult obstacle everyone in recovery will have to face at some point)
New tattoos, piercings and finding my own style!
Eating spontaneous meals and snacks out with my loved ones, creating memories and making up for losing ALL of my teenage years to this illness.
And this is just the beginning!
I still struggle, cry over food, have bad body image, bloating, fear foods, breakdowns and days where I feel relapse is the answer.
Recovery is NOT easy and takes hell of a long time.
I wouldn’t class myself as recovered but I am on the right path and I am not giving up.
I have too much to lose.
Too much to fight for.
Here’s to recovery.
- Lauren Leigh.
Recovery YouTube; lauren leigh
Recovery Instagram; lifeoflozzy