I have attempted recovery from my disordered eating many times. Before my most recent relapse, I had considered myself very close to being recovered, but there was something off. Even though I had felt almost recovered, I missed my eating disorder. I missed the warm hug of shovelling food into my mouth when nobody could see me, not recognising the giant guilt that used to burden me and cripple me following the fact. I missed the satisfaction of the scale going down, the compliments, the emptiness that wasn’t supposed to feel good. I missed the rush of gambling with my body and health. I missed self destruction.
Those of us with eating disorders have taken food and used it to attempt to deal with the torment of day-to-day life, therefore, when we choose to no longer use food in this way, we often need to replace that with something more worthwhile and meaningful. For me, it has been through art in many forms.
I believe that many of us during recovery come to a point where we miss our disorders, no matter how much it had ruined our lives before. It is also important to acknowledge that this is only a longing that we do not have to act on. Reminding ourselves that in future, not giving in to these thoughts will pay off and we will feel free again.
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