Since i was a little girl, i always had supportive friends. They weren’t a lot, but they were always for me. My mom, father and I had the best relationship.
My body wasnt something that Pay attention at. I went to swimming classes and walked a lot. I ate healthily, but sometimes i would eat cheesecakes etc.
Everything changed when i was 12. I stopped going to swimming classes, because my car broke and I didnt want to get a cold.
I continued eating like i did, but i started seeing changes. Puberty came in. And i started developing. I didnt like it. And i started to wear dark baggy clothing. My family noticed that something was wrong and said to me to not the women body that i got.
I felt 3 times bigger. And i started hating my body more.
When i entered secondary school, everything got worse. A lot of guys stared at my chest, but, outside the school some people shouted to me in te street : stop eating desserts you fattie! And one friend even called me big titis.
I was mad. My friends had just discovered the kpop world and started seing their diets. So i started healthy dieting. My mom didnt like it.
I started losing a little weight, but it was never enough.
I started to look after how to get thinner and its when i found anorexia. Wow. For me it was the solution to everything. One year later.. i started another year in school, and this is the worst year of my life. I was bullied by a boy, who always said to me that i was ugly, fat, i had the face of a man etc. i was in a healthy weight but my body dismorphia showed different things. I lost all my friends, at the beginning because they thought that i was boring and at the end because at my back they just said that i was an ugly anorexic. (I wasnt restricting a lot at that time but they just figured out based on how i was around food). I started throwing away my food in my school. I wasnt eating snacks i ate so little.
Started loosing a lot of weight. People noticed, and the rumors of problems were around. People started saying i looked so ugly, her problems are consuming her”
At the beginning i thought that ana was someone that you call and when you say to her please go it would go.
But no, i was so wrong. I started wanting to see the little friends outside the school, but i just was in a bad mood. I wasnt good enough for them. One day i went to my pool in my house. My mum realised something was wrong. She inmediatly took me to the doctor. And doctors started making me do bloodtest at least 3 in a month. They suspected that i had anorexia
After a long year of the hospital, and with an endoscopy they found i was celiac and had hypothyroidism. ( the celiac disease wasnt a cause of my weight loss) the doctor stopped thinking i had anorexia.
Another year started and i started eating a gluten free, vegetarian diet. I stopped being vegetarian bc of my doctor and my mum. I was restricting with that. I lost more weight. In summary :
i felt fatter and uglier everyday. I was super exhausted without most of my friends and lost my good relationship with mom and dad. I couldn’t barely walk. I was sad and did horrible things to me.
I decided that i had to change. Since there i started recovery 💫 Its been an up and down year for me. But i decided im going to change and make my life better. I constantly fight with my parents but we are a lot better now.
I started liking my face, and im trying to be confortable in my body.
Next year im going to a new school and i hope to make friends. I can walk, and run, although i sometimes feel weak. Everything its getting better.
And yes sometimes i hate recovery, because ana hates it and fears it, but i think i made the right decision.
@recoveryleila on instagram