Road to Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder is the scariest thing I have ever done, and I feel like I am still not even halfway there, but I am closer than I have ever been. My obsession with my weight started at the age of 12, but no one really noticed it until I was 15, and by then it was too late for outpatient care, I was too sick. I hesitantly went to a partial hospitalization, and quickly became angry with the staff there. Frustration and confusion washed over me, I did not understand what was so wrong with me or what I was doing. It was just weight loss, millions of girls do it all year round. It is what surrounds New Year's resolutions, social media, and celebrities all over the world. What I was doing was normalized, and so many people complimented me on my weight, they asked me my “secrets” I was special, I was loved.

As I rapidly declined, I watched the girls in treatment with me on an uphill battle, fighting their eating disorders, one day at a time. I could not help but feel that I was dragging them down. I felt myself getting sicker each day. “What is the worst that could happen in recovery?”, I was one decision away of changing my future and that is where my battle started. 

In the years following, I would be confident in my recovery, and then go through a downslide; and I would land myself right back where I started. Intensive, inpatient treatment. I was exhausted. All the medications I have tried, all the time spent in hospital rooms, all the blood draws. I was done. My family was done. My friends were done. I was confused. So, so confused. I watched all the girls I met in different treatment centers find recovery, and happiness. I could not grasp why I did not have the willpower to do the same. Anorexia is the queen of comparison, but all of a sudden instead of comparing my sickness to others, I began to compare my health. I quickly found that I was far behind most people my age. 

Recovery is anything but linear. You will not go in a straight line. You will not say “I choose recovery”, and have everything work out just fine. It is a decision. Every. Single. Day. You have to wake up, and choose recovery. Every meal, you have to choose. Every snack. Every workout session. Every day. You have the complete power over your recovery. Guess what though? YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SLIP. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MESS UP. Because this is not a straight path to recovery. This road is bumpy, there are so many potholes, and it is not paved. The road to recovery is more like the road you get on and your mom in her mini-van says “I am not sure we are gonna make it, but we sure are going to try.” It is a long road, and sometimes you wonder where the gravel ends, and the pavement begins. The truth is, I am not sure that this ever gets easy. Something a therapist told me once, that helped me understand more, “your slip does not mean a relapse, unless you want it to.” How powerful is that? I think what makes it so powerful is that it’s a reminder that it is okay to slip up. However, you get to choose whether or not your slip leads to a relapse, or if your slip is just a bad day. There is no specific way to do recovery, there is no manual you get to read, but there is hope in recovery. I promise you, if you get one glimpse of that hope, you will want it. The only thing stopping you, is you. 

Anonymous